SUICIDE AND THE HEART TO FIX THE HEART IN DESPAIR

Yesterday would have been my dad’s 66th birthday. I miss him. Greatly. He took his own life when I was 9. We can’t fix the issues of depression and despair and mental illness, but we can provide hope and love. I am leaking love out of my eyes right now… tears streaming… because if I had a super power it would be to Fix. I wrote this below 2 years ago, but it still rings true.

Jesus can fix. He fixes. He fixed me of the same outcome as my Dad chose. Jesus is my super power.

I love you, Dad. And I love you, Jesus. Until I see you both and hug you hard…

I DREAMED OF DAD… IN THE SILENCE: MISSING LOVE CAN’T BE FIXED – Heather – (2014)

It’s Wee AM in the morning. Thunder rumbles and my tears fall; rain falls and my heart rumbles. I couldn’t stop the ferocious flood of tears as I Iie here wide awake if I wanted to. It’s been a bad Monday. One of those days where bedtime just doesn’t come soon enough. But I felt God in everything. Even when I let my anger over something BIG that was perpetrated in our daughter’s life get the best of me today. Even when my fatigue was burdening my walking… and breathing. Even when financial bumps became evident. Even when the … you get the picture. It’s probably not unlike some days you’ve had in your life. But He’s always there in the midst.

I found myself crying just now in the Wee AM, though – hard … so hard in fact that I couldn’t breathe without gasping. I miss him. I dreamed about him last night. I was found in this rainy night to be reminded of that dream. I let myself reflect on it actually. Something I didn’t let myself do last night when I awoke.

My dad. In my dream he was alive and had been for several years. {My dad took his own life when I was only 9 years old. 35 years… I’ve missed him.

I started singing a song to God in the middle of the flood of tears. Because when my heart hurts that bad I must get in God’s lap. I have to. There have been many of these lap tears in my life. From my dad’s death to my severe depression and hatred of life in my younger years to the night I was told my husband might die in the ER. This cry… this feeling … was a bit different though. I’ve had it before. A couple of times. Always after I dream about him.

I am crying just as hard in my dream. We hug. Tight. Like I’ve never felt before. It feels so incredibly real.

“Dad, you are alive!”

{Typing is HARD right now. Can’t see well through the flow of tears.}

Oh how I’ve missed him. My daughter and husband never met him. I barely knew him. But yet, I did. I saw his pain. I saw his anguish. One of the last memories I have is of him crying on my shoulder. That’s a burdened heart no child should endure. I would give anything to have fixed him. But I could not. No one here could.

I wanted a different life. But instead I withdrew into my own brokenness.

I know I am a lot like him in so many ways. I pray that I will see him again some day. And I hope I can really hug him. Hard.

There’s this… Yes… I am still crying.
If I had a super power… it would be to fix.

******
When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you…

“FIX YOU” by Cold Play {2005}

 

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4 thoughts on “SUICIDE AND THE HEART TO FIX THE HEART IN DESPAIR

  1. Lilka Raphael says:

    So sorry for your loss Heather. I don’t know that time every really “heals” our wounds. Yet, I am glad you are able to crawl into our Father’s lap and find comfort from Him. You will see your father once again. I look forward to the day I will also see mine. B Blessed, peace and comfort to you.

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