SUICIDE AND THE HEART TO FIX THE HEART IN DESPAIR

Yesterday would have been my dad’s 66th birthday. I miss him. Greatly. He took his own life when I was 9. We can’t fix the issues of depression and despair and mental illness, but we can provide hope and love. I am leaking love out of my eyes right now… tears streaming… because if I had a super power it would be to Fix. I wrote this below 2 years ago, but it still rings true.

Jesus can fix. He fixes. He fixed me of the same outcome as my Dad chose. Jesus is my super power.

I love you, Dad. And I love you, Jesus. Until I see you both and hug you hard…

I DREAMED OF DAD… IN THE SILENCE: MISSING LOVE CAN’T BE FIXED – Heather – (2014)

It’s Wee AM in the morning. Thunder rumbles and my tears fall; rain falls and my heart rumbles. I couldn’t stop the ferocious flood of tears as I Iie here wide awake if I wanted to. It’s been a bad Monday. One of those days where bedtime just doesn’t come soon enough. But I felt God in everything. Even when I let my anger over something BIG that was perpetrated in our daughter’s life get the best of me today. Even when my fatigue was burdening my walking… and breathing. Even when financial bumps became evident. Even when the … you get the picture. It’s probably not unlike some days you’ve had in your life. But He’s always there in the midst.

I found myself crying just now in the Wee AM, though – hard … so hard in fact that I couldn’t breathe without gasping. I miss him. I dreamed about him last night. I was found in this rainy night to be reminded of that dream. I let myself reflect on it actually. Something I didn’t let myself do last night when I awoke.

My dad. In my dream he was alive and had been for several years. {My dad took his own life when I was only 9 years old. 35 years… I’ve missed him.

I started singing a song to God in the middle of the flood of tears. Because when my heart hurts that bad I must get in God’s lap. I have to. There have been many of these lap tears in my life. From my dad’s death to my severe depression and hatred of life in my younger years to the night I was told my husband might die in the ER. This cry… this feeling … was a bit different though. I’ve had it before. A couple of times. Always after I dream about him.

I am crying just as hard in my dream. We hug. Tight. Like I’ve never felt before. It feels so incredibly real.

“Dad, you are alive!”

{Typing is HARD right now. Can’t see well through the flow of tears.}

Oh how I’ve missed him. My daughter and husband never met him. I barely knew him. But yet, I did. I saw his pain. I saw his anguish. One of the last memories I have is of him crying on my shoulder. That’s a burdened heart no child should endure. I would give anything to have fixed him. But I could not. No one here could.

I wanted a different life. But instead I withdrew into my own brokenness.

I know I am a lot like him in so many ways. I pray that I will see him again some day. And I hope I can really hug him. Hard.

There’s this… Yes… I am still crying.
If I had a super power… it would be to fix.

******
When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you…

“FIX YOU” by Cold Play {2005}

 

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A True Christian Response to a Former Homosexual: Dear World…

I’m used to walking alone. I’ve always been an outsider. For as long as I can remember, literally, I’ve been the invisible one, the one that the crowd didn’t notice. Funny thing is certain people in the crowd were drawn to me … like a magnet … made of old soul love.

It’s been Him. It’s always been Him. He’s guided me through that crowd to the ones I was meant to touch and be touched by. It’s always been Jesus.

I’m the one that strangers strike up conversations with; and I’m talking light hearted ones and deep, life altering ones. I’ve always joked “There’s a sign on my forehead that reads ‘Talk to me. I’ll listen.’” But after years ~ no, decades ~ of that I started to realize what a gift He had given me. I’ve said many times that I was born with a mouth ~ I know it! ~ and so why not use it for Him! Life and death are in that tongue… so I had better use it for life.

Then… the revelation… the heart thumping revelation…

Use your gifts to love others.

We can each be a leader right where we are. Lead a love revolution. Use our gifts.

One of those gifts for me?

My forehead sign.

It must really read, “I love. Tell me about it.”

I’ve had so many of these encounters that I can’t even count them. No need! I sometimes don’t even remember the words, but it is then I know for sure that God is speaking Love through me. Because that’s what I pray the entire time. Each minute is swelled up with anticipation that my spirit knows is producing a beautiful seed. One that only He can nurture and grow.

Because I love.

I will never forget the time I was in another state with my daughter for a couple weeks at a ballet intensive training venture. It was that moment. That one moment in time. Our worlds collided… his and mine.

My daughter and I were at a large bookstore, one of those that every city has… at which sitting down to read is not only accepted but encouraged. So people were quite everywhere. She and I were in the “Christian” section. (Caution: Not everything in those sections are truly Biblical, by the way.) My daughter and I both love to read, so bookstores are like our amusement parks.

That day however I went on a ride like I had not been on yet.

An older gentleman meandered next to us in the aisle ~ {probably had been wandering life at least 10 years longer than my 40 years wandering and probably had been wandering in that section many times before like I had}.

He invited me into small talk. I looked up and answered with a smile. But then… heart heavy… spilled out… like a waterfall his emotions and concerns were all over that space.

He told me ~ and my forehead sign ~ that he was a Christ follower and about how he had been a homosexual much of his life. He spoke with such beautiful concern that my ears were affixed and my forehead sign was no burden. He told me that when he gave his life to Christ that he also gave up his homosexual life choices. He said he knew that was what God wanted according to His Scripture.

I just listened…
while praying …

God, give me the words he needs. Love Him through me.

 

I listened as he told me that he wanted to give up his lifestyle; he had no regrets because he wanted to follow Jesus in all ways.

He was paying a price for obedience however. He was troubled deeply … I could hear in his voice that sadness that engulfs all else … troubled. People in his church were ignoring him and treating him terribly because he used to be homosexual.

My heart ached for him. I could feel it beating nearly out of my chest. I was a bit nervous as most would be if a stranger began spilling their life out in huge God-sized pieces. I was a bit nervous because he was a stranger.

But I prayed. And remembered … he’s a brother.

So as he shared his broken heart about not being accepted because of his past, I heard. I heard God.

Tell him.

My listening ears were paralleling my listening heart. I was not there to judge him then … nor judge his past… nor his future.

I was there… to speak truth into his life. And it appeared I might be the only one in his life doing just that. So…

I gave him what my heart felt ~ literally and figuratively since my heart beats in time with people who share deepness with me.

“I hear your pain, ” I told him. “I hear you say that you read in God’s Word that your previous lifestyle was a sin that you wanted to choose to leave behind.”

It was his choice. He needed that acknowledged. He needed to hear compassion. So that’s what I gave him. Right there in the middle of that giant bookstore.

“I wish I could tell you that all Christians will be forgiving. But some won’t. You must know you are forgiven. You must know you are loved. And you must not let a few people, who have had sin of their own and probably still do, bring you down.”

He told me he didn’t want to quit going to church there because he believed God wanted him there. I believe that too. Someone was going to get loved by that man. Someone was going to eventually wake up to their prejudice and see a beautiful soul looking them back in the face. And that beautiful soul… that man in the bookstore… was going to see the grace of God manifest in another person who could deny him no more.

He thanked me for the rest of what I shared with him. I said, “It’s God.”

And I knew it was.
He knew it was.

I did not see a sinner.
I did not see a homosexual.
I did not see a man who had a past he was not happy with.

I saw a man who was hurt by a community that claimed to love everyone.
I saw a man who wanted every bit of Jesus.
I saw brokenness that needed love to seal up the wounded heart.

I saw a man who needed God and who knew it.

Nothing else mattered.
Nothing.

Let us love one another right where we are, friends. Let us love one another right there in the bookstore. Right where they need to find love.

I realized I needed a blessing that day too. The blessing of loving another person in a profound way. That, my friends, is pure acceptance… loving others as God loves them.

Live blessed.
Love. One. Another.

 

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Is Westboro Church Right or Wrong? Dear World…

Westboro “Church”

You do not speak for God- but instead your own man-made intentions.

You do not speak for God’s Truth when you say “God hates” someone – but instead your own hate filled words.

You do not speak for Christ or true Christ followers.

 

DEAR WORLD,

Westboro “Church” (and others who talk like they do) does not speak for God- but instead their own man-made intentions.

Westboro “Church” (and others who talk like they do) does not speak for God’s Truth when they say “God hates” someone- but instead their own hate filled words.

Westboro “Church” (and others who talk like they do) does not speak for Christ or true Christ followers.

Please do not believe all who speak the name of Jesus are actually living as true Followers of Jesus. We true Followers love as He said to love.

We disagree with you sometimes on topics that we believe are God’s truth (we’d be hypocrites ourselves if we ignored it or twisted what God truly said … such as the topic of homosexuality ), but we do so with love. Talk to us instead of the hate-filled people. Pay no attention whatsoever to them. They do not represent us.

But please, don’t look to anyone else, not even us, for a full picture of Christ. Look to Him and Him alone.

Sincerely in LOVE,
A True Christ Follower

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