Have you ever felt alone? Lonely? Truly alone in a world full of people? I don’t often tell the specific stories of the first half of my life, but they are what led up to the testimony of my life… so if what I went through can help anyone, so shall I share. This post welcomed so very many beautiful comments that touched my heart when I shared it on my old site that I want to share it here… the more hearts that hear the more hearts that will know they are not alone.
I was standing on the curb that day. The sun was shining. Laughter and voices filled the air. High school was out for the day, and I was standing somewhere in middle space – half way between “here” and the outer extremes. I was standing on the curb, but in my mind, I was actually teetering on that curb that bright sun shiny day ready to fall with the slightest whisper.
NO ONE KNEW.
And the whispers came…
“I could step off this curb in front of that car coming up the street. No one would care. No one would miss me. No one loves me.”
NO ONE KNEW.
“No one would miss you.”
There was that voice again.
I was standing next to a friend at the time, and it was his mom we were waiting on that was driving that car up that street next to that curb. He didn’t know. She didn’t know.
NO ONE KNEW.
That curb. The one holding on for dear life of my beating heart. The one which I felt dissolving under my feet. That wasn’t the first time I had danced with death in a prelude to the Edge of Everything. Everything that told me I was unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unworthy, un-me.
That wouldn’t be the last time either.
I didn’t tell anyone in the moment. I rarely trusted anyone to tell them I even had those thoughts. Wait… Can I just call them what they are? They aren’t really thoughts. Sure, that’s what medicine labels them as. That’s what those who can’t fathom them label them as. That’s what Everything labels them as.
But they aren’t just thoughts. They are the reality of a middle space that occupies a dying soul that has no hope.
I was in the middle of nothing listening to Everything.
The reality for me that day was One Step. Just one. Right off that curb go meet that car in the middle of nothing.
“What exactly comes after this life? Am I really sure that there is anything beyond this? Would I truly be happier?”
Those are the questions the soul asks even if the mind doesn’t speak that language.
They are the same questions every soul asks when it is so close to death that it teeters on the Edge of Everything.
Maybe you are teetering on the Edge. Maybe you have in the past. Maybe, just maybe, your Everything Edge is the line you walk every day of your life.
Your Everything… what is it?
“I am no good for my family.”
“Everyone could get along fine without me, even better.”
“I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
“I can’t get anything right with my spouse.”
“LIFE IS JUST TOO HARD.”
But then… There are THOSE questions. The ones that your soul asks.
“What is on the other side of this life? What is next? This can’t be all there is. That would be going from pain to pain. It just can’t be.”
NO ONE KNEW.
And I am certain that someone – maybe many someones – are reading this who could say the same thing. NO ONE KNOWS. Or maybe, like me, you began to give hints to those you trust the most. They help at times sure. But it’s not those times that consume the teetering. On that edge. For some it happens only occasionally. Life crud just gets in the way, right? And for others it becomes Extreme.
The car came within a parking spot’s distance away as she veered to her right, and from where I was teetering, I easily could have taken that One Step.
But I didn’t.
I don’t recall the exact-in-the-moment reasons that I didn’t step onto the Street of Death that day. But I can tell you this … I knew I was missing something.
So as time passed by and my depression sucked my spirit in more and more, I began to give up on all hope of finding real joy for life. But I never stopped asking …
“What is next? What IS next?
The teetering of the Edge of Everything that I tell you about that day would repeat itself in one form or another at other moments; and each time I never took that step. I knew that there had to be more. I felt that I should just slam to my knees every time and stop the madness, but I couldn’t do it. The knees would have to wait.
They’d have to wait until the SOUL KNEW.
The other side was something I had no true idea about, but I knew that I had to know. Because if I took that step to the other side of the Edge… where would I be?
In pain still? Eternally?
I knew those were the only three possibilities. So I HAD to find out more in my soul. Ultimately THAT is what stopped me from taking THAT STEP and the others to follow. And so I went on a search for Eternity. I felt God couldn’t NOT be real. And I looked EVERYWHERE while EVERYTHING was screaming in my mind.
There was only one Eternity, after all my searching and wandering, that panned out true. Nothing else made sense. Nothing else was without fault. NOTHING else answered my soul questions.
I tried everything I could until my Everything changed.
My knees finally got used…
Realizing that falling to my knees before Jesus was the only thing that would give me joy and hope and love and truth, I fell.
And the Edge became this beautiful place where it didn’t matter who loved me, because He did.
And… I KNEW.
I’d love to share my full story with you… about how God brought me out of the mire and made me whole again.