THE EDGE OF EVERYTHING & NOTHING: THE ONE THING THAT BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES

The Edge of Everything and Nothing: The One Thing That Brought Me to My Knees

Have you ever felt alone? Lonely? Truly alone in a world full of people? I don’t often tell the specific stories of the first half of my life, but they are what led up to the testimony of my life… so if what I went through can help anyone, so shall I share. This post welcomed so very many beautiful comments that touched my heart when I shared it on my old site that I want to share it here… the more hearts that hear the more hearts that will know they are not alone.

I was standing on the curb that day. The sun was shining. Laughter and voices filled the air. High school was out for the day, and I was standing somewhere in middle space – half way between “here” and the outer extremes. I was standing on the curb, but in my mind, I was actually teetering on that curb that bright sun shiny day ready to fall with the slightest whisper.

NO ONE KNEW.

And the whispers came…

“I could step off this curb in front of that car coming up the street. No one would care. No one would miss me. No one loves me.”

NO ONE KNEW.

“No one would miss you.” 

There was that voice again.

I was standing next to a friend at the time, and it was his mom we were waiting on that was driving that car up that street next to that curb. He didn’t know. She didn’t know.

NO ONE KNEW.

That curb. The one holding on for dear life of my beating heart. The one which I felt dissolving under my feet. That wasn’t the first time I had danced with death in a prelude to the Edge of Everything. Everything that told me I was unloved, unwanted, uncared for, unworthy, un-me.

That wouldn’t be the last time either.

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Anger | Web | Internet | Social Media

Would You Speak the Words You Type on the Web to Others?

My heart breaks over and over as I continue to read how fellow Christians are treating each other – especially during a political season. Yes, we should be involved in politics! And if we don’t discuss the important things this country needs to fix then we only have ourselves to blame. The mentality to be quieted is wrong. But also WRONG is how many are treating each other – with hatred and intense anger.

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THE DAY I HELPED END A LIFE

The Day I Helped End a Life

This is a hard thing to talk about. So hard in fact that I cried some hard tears just reliving this to write it. But stories like mine, from a very different perspective, need to be shared around the globe.

When I was a teenager, I had a friend who became pregnant. An undesired pregnancy, however with someone she loved at the time. I am not so certain that she truly knew what love was, but then again… neither did I. Actually when I think back with concentration, I had several friends become pregnant… and all but one chose to let those babies live. All but one allowed the child to make a difference in this world. That ONE haunted me for years.

I can not begin to describe how it feels to know you participated in the complete demise of an innocent human life. I can’t even find the words.

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He Was Near Death, But Nearer to a Miracle

He Was Near Death, But Nearer to a Miracle

Although my husband, Everett, and I had struggled financially early in our marriage, after years of struggle we came to a very good place. We were blessed abundantly… but the truth is that we didn’t fully know the true meaning of ‘abundance’ until we had nothing.

MOVING TO A NEW LIFE: THE SEASON OF CHANGE

In June of 2008 we moved to another state, another life. This was a step of faith for us. Everett’s job in his field of work did not pan out after we moved and the economy fell flat that summer. But even so, we knew God had called us there so we prayed and we waited.

We thought we were going for our daughter’s ballet training, and although that was part of it, God had other plans in store for us. Moving away from family and the comfortable life we knew actually grew us in many ways for the better. We found a church home, a place to live, and our daughter was getting the best training of her life. We were growing as a family and loving it.

ICU: FINDING LIFE AS DEATH KNOCKED

Not too long after moving to Kentucky, Everett became recurrently ill with sinus-like infections. He had already been suffering from one-sided body numbness and pain for a few years that no doctor or test could completely diagnose. The stress level was rising, and the fact that he could not find a job on top of all of this made it skyrocket. Everett continued to be very ill for the entire summer and into the fall. We lived every day one step at a time.

By November of that very same year, we found ourselves in the ER. Everett presented with symptoms of a possible stroke. That day had started out as normal as any other. He still had not found a job and I was just trying to start my freelance writing business. So as I worked on that in the morning hours that day, he was teaching our daughter advanced algebra in her sophomore year of home schooling. He is mathematically minded and he has a very subdued kind-hearted personality, so what happened during that lesson should have been our first clue that something had gone terribly wrong.

He became very upset, nearly angry, at trying to teach her what was really an easy word problem. To take a much needed break, he went downstairs to do something on the computer, and within minutes he was back upstairs acting very disoriented. He told me that he couldn’t turn the computer off. I asked him why, thinking that our old desktop was probably quitting on us. What he said and did next was very frightening.

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A COMFORT THAT SHOULDN’T BE {MY HEALING MIRACLE}

A Comfort That Shouldn’t Be {My Healing Miracle}

Depression. Oh the pain of heart pain. None to be equaled.

 Depression is a very difficult subject to understand,
to discuss,
to live with,
to handle,
to be around …

Do you ever stop and think about what in your life is a comfort that shouldn’t be? Is there something that consumes your thoughts in such a way that you know it isn’t healthy or productive but you go there anyway?

BEWARE! That’s a trap. Beware because it can enslave you and affect everyone around you.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that the hole in your heart can only be successfully filled by One.

Let that hole be filled.

Fighting without God is like losing before you even start.

We were not made to be alone.

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in hell, you are there” ~ Psalm 139

My story may be different from any you’ve ever heard… but parts might be just what you’ve lived. Share with me. I’m ALL IN to love.

-Heather

A COMFORT THAT SHOULDN’T BE

The self loathing was a ‘beyond my control, caught in my throat’ kind of oppression. It led to the most emotionally excruciating pain I have ever experienced. The conversations in my mind were increasingly evil. So loud, yet they somehow made perfect sense to me.

I planned ways to die. I yearned deep in my soul to leave the pain behind forever. I saw no end in sight. I would hear a voice whisper with such evil force, “You are not worth anything.”

That was an awful voice, but it was familiar.

Yet, I faintly heard another voice that never left me. Screaming, in the most comforting way, to help me.

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